Everyone in the fast and competitive world that is the ‘music industry’ knows it’s not what you make, but how you present your #brandidentity. While the legendary and historic German cassette disseminator Strategic Tape Reserve is a home to such groundbreaking auditory superstars such as VLK, Emerging Industries of Wuppertal, moduS ponY, HAWN, The Blank Holidays, and Whettman Chelmets, none of this would matter even a little bit if STR’s Twitter game wasn’t, as the centennials say, “on fleek”. Fortunately, fleek is Strategic Tape Reserve’s middle name (despite the common misconception that it’s ‘Tape’), and so we present the objectively correct list of STR’s ten greatest tweets.
Do not @.
Because we are one of the oldest, family-owned tape reserves in the German Mittelstand, Twitter routinely invites us to trade fairs for industrial process equipment. It’s flattering, but we’re satisfied with our current production facilities and frankly just don’t have the time. pic.twitter.com/otxOYA5OXx
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) June 25, 2019
The STR gently turns down an appreciated but unacceptable invitation.
2. Unrealized Postential
I’m very disappointed with the post office right now. They’ve let me down, but worse than that, they’ve let themselves down.
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) June 13, 2019
The STR laments the post not living up to their potential.
3. Ferric Heat
New on Netflix:
Ferric Heat (2021) PG
A gritty psychodrama set during the Cassette Comeback. When vaporwave aliases start disappearing, a nonconformist, soon-to-retire detective (Lorenzo Lamas) must infiltrate the subculture to find out what, if anything, this means. 84 min.
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) April 25, 2019
With their state-of-the-art German time machine, the STR give us a glimpse into the cinema of the future.
4. Strategic Tapir Reserve
All tape labels should have a long-term contingency plan in case the impending cassette comeback fails to deliver as expected. For example, we can seamlessly relaunch as Strategic Tapir Reserve, cute animal sanctuary operator, with minimal changes to our image, logo and merch.
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) April 17, 2019
Any captain of industry knows that a backup plan is important. Here, STR demonstrate their boundless wisdom and ingenuity in explaining what a potential re-brand might look like, just in case the seemingly rock solid tape economy collapses.
5. Authoritarian Tastemaking
We are aware that some music entities have had success using PR firms to manipulate the fickle and unpredictable will of our populace. A good start, but have any small cassette labels tried hiring lobbying agencies for a more top-down, authoritarian approach to “tastemaking” yet?
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) April 8, 2019
Another bit of brilliant business insight, STR re-examines the best way to coerce the brainless masses into purchasing auditory content.
6. Hyphens Matter
Just to avoid any further disappointed customers, we are a small cassette label, NOT a small-cassette label.
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) March 15, 2019
Sidestepping a potential PR nightmare, STR clarify that their operation is small, not the cassettes themselves.
7. SubmitHub is for Masochists
Some less-salubrious review blogs have been asking new artists to contact them via a known BDSM sex portal called “Submit Hub”. While we don’t judge the bedroom tastes of fellow musicians, we urge them to attentively watch the movie Fifty Shades Darker before proceeding.
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) January 24, 2019
STR, in service to the community of independent artists, advises research into SubmitHub before giving uninformed consent.
8. Freedoms of Ownership
If you buy music, you can have a more interactive and complete relationship with it. You can slow it down backwards or slice it into 30 pieces with 6 seconds of silence inserted between each slice. If it is on physical media, you can bathe it or press it into puréed carrots.
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) December 7, 2018
STR breaks down the many benefits of purchasing music vs. streaming.
Please regard below the advanced press release for These Carbon-Composite Poles Are Made For Walking. pic.twitter.com/zSYEMwX2Du
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) September 17, 2018
The STR share their vision in service of the under-served market of Nordic-Walkers who also enjoy listening to sounds with their revolutionary compilation These Carbon-Composite Poles Are Made For Walkin’.
10. Hearts of Gold
At our state-of-the-art cassette dubbing plant, we use golden heart-printed tape to cover the tab holes – a trick that was first employed by the Beatles at Abbey Road. pic.twitter.com/cbClLF8RUC
— StrategicTapeReserve (@Strategictaper) August 16, 2018
In a classy move, the STR pay homage to the Lads of Liverpool and the inventors of music with Suko Pyramid and moduS ponY’s ECHOLALIA cassette.